Brian On _______

Confession: I rely way too heavily on parenthetical statements (I also misuse them). Can I help it if I think in clumsy parenthetical thoughts, subordinate clauses and asides? Clearly, I cannot. Shut up, grammar gestapo.

Last year, I suggested a few options should my current institution of part-time higher learning decide to field an athletic team and poll me for mascot ideas. (They have yet to do so.)

My suggestions:

• The Dippers
• The Johns
• The Saints
• The Spires
• The (Bible) Thumpers
• The (Bible) Belters
• The Holy Rollers
• The Midwesterners (obvious, non-fun choice)

No one cares, but another idea popped into my head last night as I was drifting off to sleep. It turns out being among 2,000 other Baptists fighting for a few seats at local eateries was inspiring. I think it’s a winner: The Potluckers. It the perfect metaphor for what who we are. Namely, people who like to eat.

That’s not to be confused with pot lickers. Or pot stickers. Hmm… The Pot Stickers…

Things were a little slow at the convention this afternoon so I decided to be a tourist. I was a good 50 yards from the end of the line forming to go through the metal detectors when I was stopped by a burly National Park Ranger. She spoke loudly and was careful to enunciate, as if I was a deaf, bewildered tourist with limited English.

“SIR – YOU ARE ENTERING A NATIONAL MONUMENT – PLEASE REMOVE YOUR BELT!”

Sheesh, lady, at least offer to buy me dinner first.

Click here if you’d care to see my pictures. Everyone thinks their pictures of The Arch are artsy and it’s practically a law that everyone who takes a photo there take a low angle shot up the 630-foot-tall Arch (Sgt. Lose-the-belt enforces said law).

The “tram” ride up was bearable. Just. I’ve seen truck tires larger than this “pod” they tried to cram three Arch-goers and me into. (I know I’ve just ended a sentence in a preposition, but I can’t figure out how to reword it. “Into which they tried to cram…”? It’s a relatively quick four minutes up and three down. I’m glad I did it, and it was worth the $10 ticket. Just. The views are nice but wow, 630 feet high is REALLY high. Taller than the Washington Monument, the Statue of Liberty or the Eiffel Tower. (Fun fact, it’s also exactly 630 feet wide. Who knew?)

Before I braved the ride to the top, I walked a few blocks across downtown to another world-famous tourist attraction. That’s right, ladies and germs, the International Bowling Hall of Fame and Museum! Much to my chagrin (seriously, I was muchly chagrined), they were closed! Their posted hours showed I was there at the right time, but alas, I was denied. I’m going to go back before I leave Wednesday (I’m going to call ahead first). I hope I can stay dressed for it.

Here’s a thought: Whether you’re on the banks on of the Mississippi under the shadow of The Arch or you’re standing in line waiting for your flight to Newark (seriously, who goes to Newark?), there’s a walk-through metal detector and grey, empty-your-pockets bin in your immediate future. Instead of causing delays by having everyone de-belt, why not let people stay dressed and just run a hand-held detector over every person? A half visual inspection of the buckle can insure the belt is kosher. BK, you’re asking, that would be horribly inefficient. Ahh, not so. If we went to the handheld wand exclusively, we could buy 10 AND hire 10 TSA screeners for the price of the walk-through detector. Don’t thank me - it’s my duty as a pants-wearing citizen.

(For the record, I know that’s a stupid idea. I just wanted an excuse to make a weak joke about Newark and things got a little out of hand.)

If you're going to do a "get out and vote for Obama" video, THIS is how it's done.

This, is not.

What do you mean socialism doesn't work?

(Via FoxNews) HONOLULU — Hawaii is dropping the only state universal child health care program in the country just seven months after it launched.

Gov. Linda Lingle's administration cited budget shortfalls and other available health care options for eliminating funding for the program. A state official said families were dropping private coverage so their children would be eligible for the subsidized plan.

"People who were already able to afford health care began to stop paying for it so they could get it for free," said Dr. Kenny Fink, the administrator for Med-QUEST at the Department of Human Services. "I don't believe that was the intent of the program."

State officials said Thursday they will stop giving health coverage to the 2,000 children enrolled by Nov. 1, but private partner Hawaii Medical Service Association will pay to extend their coverage through the end of the year without government support.

"We're very disappointed in the state's decision, and it came as a complete surprise to us," said Jennifer Diesman, a spokeswoman for HMSA, the state's largest health care provider. "We believe the program is working, and given Hawaii's economic uncertainty, we don't think now is the time to cut all funding for this kind of program."

Hawaii lawmakers approved the health plan in 2007 as a way to ensure every child can get basic medical help. The Keiki (child) Care program aimed to cover every child from birth to 18 years old who didn't already have health insurance — mostly immigrants and members of lower-income families.

It costs the state about $50,000 per month, or $25.50 per child — an amount that was more than matched by HMSA.

State health officials argued that most of the children enrolled in the universal child care program previously had private health insurance, indicating that it was helping those who didn't need it.

The Republican governor signed Keiki Care into law in 2007, but it and many other government services are facing cuts as the state deals with a projected $900 million general fund shortfall by 2011.

While it's difficult to determine how many children lack health coverage in the islands, estimates range from 3,500 to 16,000 in a state of about 1.3 million people. All were eligible for the program.

"Children are a lot more vulnerable in terms of needing care," said Democratic Sen. Suzanne Chun Oakland. "It's not very good to try to be a leader and then renege on that commitment."

The universal health care system was free except for copays of $7 per office visit.

Instead of obsessing over the latest polls or pontificating on "Joe the Plumber," it's nice to see that there are still some journalists who are willing to tackle the real issues and bring them to bear on our lives. There's even a Queen shout out! Some day, if I'm lucky I'll get to write a story about CPR with a line as awesome as "Gilbert said he's not really a disco fan."

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- "Stayin' Alive" might be more true to its name than the Bee Gees ever could have guessed: At 103 beats per minute, the old disco song has almost the perfect rhythm to help jump-start a stopped heart.

In a small but intriguing study from the University of Illinois medical school, doctors and students maintained close to the ideal number of chest compressions doing CPR while listening to the catchy, sung-in-falsetto tune from the 1977 movie "Saturday Night Fever."

The American Heart Association recommends 100 chest compressions per minute, far more than most people realize, study author Dr. David Matlock of the school's Peoria, Illinois, campus said Thursday.

And while CPR can triple cardiac arrest survival rates when properly performed, many people hesitate to do it because they're not sure about keeping the proper rhythm, Matlock said.

He found that "Stayin' Alive," which has a way of getting stuck in your head anyway, can help with that.

His study involved 15 students and doctors and had two parts. First they did CPR on mannequins while listening to the song on iPods. They were asked to time chest compressions with the song's beat.

Five weeks later, they did the same drill without the music but were told to think of the song while doing compressions.

The average number of compressions the first time was 109 per minute; the second time it was 113. That's more than recommended, but Matlock said that when it comes to trying to revive a stopped heart, a few extra compressions per minute is better than too few.

"It drove them and motivated them to keep up the rate, which is the most important thing," he said.

The study showed the song helped people who already know how to do CPR, and the results were promising enough to warrant larger, more definitive studies with real patients or untrained people, Matlock said.

He plans to present his findings at an American College of Emergency Physicians meeting in Chicago this month.

It turns out the American Heart Association has been using the song as a training tip for CPR instructors for about two years.

They learned of it from a physician "who sort of hit upon this as a training tool," said association spokesman Dr. Vinay Nadkarni of the University of Pennsylvania.

He said he was not aware of any previous studies that tested the song.

But Nadkarni said he has seen "Stayin' Alive" work wonders in classes where students were having trouble keeping the right beat while practicing on mannequins. When he turned on the song, "all of a sudden, within just a few seconds, they get it right on the dot."

"I don't know how the Bee Gees knew this," Nadkarni said. "They probably didn't. But they just hit upon this natural rhythm that was very catchy, very popular, that helps us do the right thing."

Dr. Matthew Gilbert, a 28-year-old medical resident, was among participants in the University of Illinois study this past spring. Since then, he said, he has revived real patients by keeping the song in his head while doing CPR.

Gilbert said he was surprised the song worked as well as it did.

"I was a little worried because I've been told that I have a complete lack of rhythm," he said. Also, Gilbert said he's not really a disco fan.

He does happen to like a certain Queen song with a similar beat.

"I heard a rumor that 'Another One Bites the Dust' works also, but it didn't seem quite as appropriate," Gilbert said.

Hilarious! But does anyone else think McCain looks like a Bond villain?